My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
You Might Also Like
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Teach your children to beatbox
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”