My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
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If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.