my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
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I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?