[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
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People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi