Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
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When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Whoa 😂
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is