My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
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Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.