My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
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My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30