My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
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At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.