My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
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*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
scared to check what name she chose
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.