My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
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Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Noah
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Raisins are grape jerky.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.