@JimHeskett: My buddy used to say "why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I'm the cleanest thing in the room." He's still single.
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@pixelatedboat: "I'm the world champion of hearing," I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
@mommy_cusses: My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
@BrownDogBlanket: I started an organization for the ethical treatment of plants. Because we shouldn't eat the things that make oxygen. Your move Vegans