@JimHeskett: My buddy used to say "why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I'm the cleanest thing in the room." He's still single.
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@shanethevein: I'm sorry I punched you when you said "Facebook me". I thought you said "Face punch me".
@thatUPSdude: Her: We have rats! Me: We do? Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies! Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I'll buy traps.
@EpicurusRising: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!! *holds up severed head The crowd stared in horror as the National Spelling Bee contest took a morbid twist.