My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
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Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Cause of death: Zumba
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”