My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
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Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
pictures of spider-man
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet