My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
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Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.