My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
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From my Mom
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
[shakes fist at other fist]
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?