My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
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*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
True freaking story!
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*