My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
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I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Dishonest mechanic?
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.