me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
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My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
inside you are two wolves
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video