I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
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People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve