Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
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Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.