MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
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Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?