My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
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Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right