My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
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Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
the only organized thing in my life is crime
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
SF is the wild wild west man
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.