my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
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Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
bro what is going on at twitter
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
oh u like geography? name every lake
FINE, I WON’T.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.