Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
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Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
What the hell happened in there??
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue