My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
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her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
We have a winner.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Brb my Sims are getting married
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings