@_sweet_ham: My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
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@david8hughes: [mattress store] Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh Clerk: not really Me: what would u recommend to them tho
@ThisOneSayz: Me: they're coming! 911: can you hide? Me: they'll find me!! 911: stay calm Me: the door is opening...help! "Mooom! We want a snack!!"
@Adar79Angie: You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
@JB4Realz: INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness? ME: Well, for starters, I'm unemployed.