@_sweet_ham: My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
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@david8hughes: [at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."
@sarousti: FYI - so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
@_SingleBabyMama: As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.