Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
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Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now