Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
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I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Hitlers gonna hitl
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.