My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
set yourself free xox
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled