My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
PLOT TWIST: