@Sickayduh: My cat's tongue is like a little piece of sandpaper. I'm scratched to hell but this floor is almost finished.
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@canadasandra: Wanna know what it's like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
@IamEveryDayPpl: I'm sorry I whispered "a weem a way" over and over during your jungle safari slide show...
@iwearaonesie: *wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING
@msgwenl: The thing about eating broken cookies is there's no way to know how many you had. "You ate the whole ba-" THERE'S NO WAY TO KNOW.