Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
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HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.