@TheFunnySayings: My ceiling fan has 3 settings: 1. Very slow 2. Slow 3. I'm about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident
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@Jenny4ashley: "..so that's the story of Christmas. Questions?" Where do turtledoves come from? "Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other.."
@tastefactory: LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that's no problem
@spcycucumber: I've been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can't even remember why I'm still eating memory foam
@musicntats: 10: Mom, I know your secret; you're a superhero Me: I am? 10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask. Me: Me: Yes, I am. I'm a superhero!😏