@TheFunnySayings: My ceiling fan has 3 settings: 1. Very slow 2. Slow 3. I'm about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident
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@joejwest: [vet school] ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because- [spins cat on finger like basketball] -I have no idea what I'm doing
@TeeJayRush: Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I'll immediately be alerted...
@KindOfASmartass: It really annoys me when people who barely know you want to become Facebook friends, like an old classmate or someone you've slept with
@str8outaCompUSA: Jesus, don't take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up. *hands cup of water* DON'T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN