@TheFunnySayings: My ceiling fan has 3 settings: 1. Very slow 2. Slow 3. I'm about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident
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@crunchenhanced: Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy . Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
@Gooooats: That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children's hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?
@TheCiscoKidder: Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can't see them anymore.
@ericarhodes: "What's it like being a female comic?" "Well, you get asked what it's like being a female comic a lot."