Labreador
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Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
What personal space?
My dog
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
No Google it does not
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?