My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
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I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
You wish you had this many chins.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Called it