@scott_towel: My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
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@dukelongboard: When I was 13 my dad gave me a bunch of socks n said "I heard u grunting in ur room last night, do it into these" So now I poop into socks
@primawesome: My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
@peterjames48: "I don't have to outrun the bear! Just you!" Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
@Reverend_Scott: 911: What's your emer- She said don't get her anything for Valentine's Day! 911: And you didn't? No! 911: Placing you in protective custody.