My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
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I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
smartest karate player in the world
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*