My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
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Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.