My circle of trust is a meatball
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Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Okay me first
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
One venti cheeseburger please.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”