My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
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You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.