Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
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When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Some of y’all tomorrow …
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.