My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
I enjoy a good short stor
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan