@SteveSuckington: The average person eats 8 spiders a year *eating 2nd bowl of spiders* "WHO'S AVERAGE NOW DAD?"

@sageboggs: It's like my father always used to say, "[years of silent disappointment]"

@cheeky__gal: I've finally decided to do something about my weight ... lie.

@themiltron: [working at Bed Bath & Beyond] ME: Hi there, may I help you? What are you looking for? CUSTOMER: Shower head. ME: Sir, please, we just met.

@LetsGoDoyers: Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.