My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
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My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band