[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
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Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!