Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
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MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids