My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly