My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.