My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
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Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.