“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
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Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.