@PhilJamesson: "My computer just crashed" is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: How dilated is she? Nurse: 4 centimeters. Me: This is America. Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
@AndDesist: I accept your apology. Can I borrow your phone? I need to cancel the hit I put out on you.
@Barack_and_Joe: Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis? *Biden raises hand* Obama: besides assembling the Avengers? *Biden lowers hand*