@shawnspree: My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition is why my wife won't let me send back wedding RSVP cards.
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@3sunzzz: If you don't let me in the bathroom, I can't guarantee your safety when you pee. ~dogs, apparently
@david8hughes: [baby sitting] "Hey, yeah it's me. No, everything's fine. Just a quick question about his legs." "..." "So how many legs did he have?"
@decentbirthday: cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
@thenatewolf: ME: Detectives on tv always take people to diners to ask them questions. DETECTIVE: [sighs] ME: Maybe a few pancakes would jog my memory.