@shawnspree: My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition is why my wife won't let me send back wedding RSVP cards.
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@nealbrennan: I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
@ohen39: me: *crying* I think I have lost my perception of time doctor: when did it start? me: [reaching for tissue] 6000 years ago
@GreenishDuck: My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
@tarashoe: A WOMAN: i've only been washing my hair ME: IN THE OFFICE BATHROOM SINK!! ME TOO!! THE WOMAN: once a ME: ONCE I WAKE UP I KNOW SAME ME TOO!!