me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
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Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.