My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
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Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Maths meets science
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on