when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
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The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.